Sweet- HorrorScope

You are able to feel your power growing today, but you must be careful how you use it. It's easy to mistake anger for strength, yet if your passion is motivated by negativity, you won't be able to sustain it. Fortunately, you can tap into a higher source of energy by transcending personal preferences and connecting with a more universal vision. Concentrating on the big picture now ultimately enables you to express yourself with even greater integrity.

I Can't Do It

I heart Blogger.

It's so personal + secret, everytime I log in I feel like I'm entering Jung's Cavern...

About to Commit an Act of Betrayal

I'm leaving Blogger for Word.press.

I know, I know- You'll miss me, you'll be sad to see me go...
http://www.carrieannseymour.wordpress.com

L8ter.

The Rules of the Queen

I was reading a gorgeous book to my little one last night about a young princess traveling out of her homeland to become the Queen. Marrying, of course...
In her preparations she had to say goodbye to all the things she knew and loved, including her parents.

My daughter looked at me and said, "It's sad that she's leaving all her princess things behind, but I guess that's what you have to do to learn the new rules. The rules of the Queen."

And I looked into her beautiful little moon-face and said, "Yes, Sweetheart, every princess must learn the new rules..." and I tried not to cry at the realization tthe the younger generation is much quicker, smarter, and wiser than I'll ever hope to be.

I'm STILL trying to learn the rules of the Queen!

AHHa! Epiphany...

I figured out how to umbrella all of my interests and goals into one beautifully brilliant exhibition online and off.

The 7Th Sister's HooDooShack + BlackMagic Emporium.

My continuing research into the socio-anthropological study of African/American Folklore + Mystical traditions. My emerging tendencies to folk and outsider art made stronger by my background in art history and studio art. My unceasing desire to move to and open a gallery in Galena, IL. My undying belief + faith in Magic + Dreams coming true. My fascination with Photoshop and computer literacy. My love of books + a growing desire to publish chapbooks + catalogues. My love + creation of music + audio art...

The list continues...

It is definitely a life project!

Happiness.

Hmf...

Where's my G-dDam F***ing sense of relief?!?!

Maybe I didn't let go of enough...

Maybe I'm supposed to let go of the fairytale life dream where my kids forgive me, I become successful, people understand and laugh at my jokes or hold me through the struggles, I am accepted where I live...

Maybe I'm not as talented as I once believed? Not as beautiful or thin as I once was... Maybe I'm not crazy at all, Maybe maybe may be...

The cold snap has snapped me. I feel brittle inside. I feel corded off from some sort of reality I'm just not privy to...The hands are up and pushing. I want to go. Home. Big Hill Country. Mighty River. Silence and starry nights. Camp fires and toasted marshmallows.

The longing + the ache make me wonder what the hell else was I ever looking for and why the hell has it taken me so long to remember?

I Like This One

Dear Carrie.Ann,
Here is your horoscope for
Friday, October 9:
Today is all about letting go -- and you can see that it's for the best, even if you resist superficially. You should feel a sense of release and relief that is quick and profound as you decide to move on.

Paper. Metal. Cloth. Clay. Sound. the devil and danial johnston. I feel less frustrated, more Sting today...

I Swear...

Some days are just made to take a break from.

I ruined 7 pots.

I messed up my webpage for at least 24 hours, up to 72.

I spent over 150$ trying to fill the gaping hole of greedy bubbling in me.

I can't seem to catch a Break today. I am off center. My game is crap.

I hate days like this.

I even screwed up my blog template.

This is Not Happiness on my face.

CuteStuff

I am a Big Fan of cutestuff. Don't get me wrong... But me and Etsy, hmf, not a good match. I don't make cute stuff. I make weird stuff that looks odd and sometimes needs a magnifying glass to be truly appreciated.

I love all those frolick-y girl-y things they sell on Etsy. I love the beautifully plained light and fluff webstores, too. With ribbon-y flower-y borders, and misty watercolor-y pastels and perfect seams of craft-y goodness...

+ sometimes I try to make those things... But they come out twisted in some way-
dolls with amputated limbs...coiled bones and danky darkness...

Hell, even my blog is black!

That's OK, though... I'm working on my website and the wonders of connectivity.
I'm sure everything will be alright if I just stay honest and true to my own inner muses, instead of sugarcoating them for the CuteStuff revolution...

My Mother

I'll start by saying that I have a fierce and deep love and apreciation for my Mom. She is talented beyond belief and tries so hard to protect everyone in the family.

That said:

35 YEARS of being told you have bad genes is no way to talk to your child! THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH MY GENES!!!!!

There is nothing wrong with being crazy! It's how we care for our mentally ill or differently thinking that's the problem! Don't blame the crazy person. Don't blame the genes.

There are so many good things we have received from both sides of our familial coin that blame and shame and putdowns are not healthy or helpful.

When I was a child I was bombarded by the "Genetic Putdown". "Good thing you have us to raise you, because your father's side of the family is disgusting." or "Poor girl. You'll never amount to much because you have a double dose of bad genes."

JEBUS!!! Just a couple weeks ago I was telling my daughter Henri that she got a double dose of crazy and it took me this long to find out where THAT came from...MOM! Fortunately I followed up with some good things about her dad, myself, and the burdens and joys of being a genius...

Yes. there is a genetic tie in to bipolar and other problems, like anxiety, or social phobia- But with those problems comes a lot of good things too. Expanded creativity, understanding and empathy, sensitivity, fabulous and NOT BORING quirkiness.

"If G-d had meant for all of us to be the same, He would've put braces on all our legs..." -Mama in Forest Gump

I have Five Beautiful daughters- every single one of them is talented and quirky and so smart I could just break my face with the smile of Pride. It's true that I have been unable to raise them on my own- I feel a lot of shame and grief, EVERYDAY, for that. I thought I was doing the right thing by giving them up, staying as far away as I could so as not to poison them with my badness. I was wrong. So wrong. I think what they really need is a lot less worried eyes and A LOT MORE acceptance of their wonderful-ness...

The sadness can be quite scary and daunting, the fear can be isolating as well, the over-joy can frighten or manipulative. It is a difficult task sorting through the emotions of a chemical imbalance- BUT THEIR IS NO SHAME IN HAVING ONE!!! The only shame there should be is on the people closest to us who tell us we aren't worthy of happiness or real love or consideration.

MOM!!!! My genes are just fine!!!

So are Yours.

This is What I Love...

Time to Organize.

All these tiny scraps of paper piled almost knee-high in various rooms of my apartment are making me feel like I might look crazier than I actually am... Or maybe they just reflect the crazy-beautiful creative workings of my mind. Ugh. Anyway, it's time to get it organized. I can barely walk through my studio!

I'm making memory boxes to put my monoprints in. They take up a lot of space when drying...first coat of latex is completely dry and has a black matte finish. Now I need to sort through all the gobbledygook ephemera that will build the layers of magical surface treatment.

Hundreds of photos and transfers to sort through...

File folders filled with lable-art and post cards...

Wow.

There's a lot going on in my head.

The Productivity of Happiness

Laid down a few drumtracks this morning with lots of new and recycled ideas flowing... I need to practice my guitar more! My fingertips have become almost virginal in their callous-less-ness...

It feels good to be doing what I always wanted to do again, this time on a smaller scale with no delusions of grandeur.

I'm planning on going to work today as well. Two hours in the gallery will be good for me.

I'm so glad it's Monday- House is on tonight.

YES!

Big sigh... The cork of depression has popped and I am me again. The smile is real. It feels so good to be back! No more extra medication for me, Ma...

Last night I dreamed of dancing with G in a huge loft with lots of people with really big hair. Flock of Seagulls hair. when we went back to his place I noticed that the building was falling apart, half burned out and completely unstable- He and his neighbors in the next apartment didn't seem to mind. I thought to myself- artists will live anywhere to save a buck.

I awoke at 5:10 am thinking about drumtracks and possibilities.Sleep is a very good thing.

The need to be in a place of beauty and like minded people with opportunity and acceptance of creativity has become apparent to me.

Yes, I'm moving!
Don't worry. It's not far, and we knew this day was on it's way at least four years ago.

Now I have the education and stability to really do it and make it work for all of those involved.

She blogged hopefully...

Up Before the Sun

I woke up too early again today. 1:10 am instead of my usual 4:30 am...

I watched Lady in the Water and made two scarves...



Too much brain activity and not enough tangible evidence of thought.



I'm working an a soundtrack to go with my monoprints.



Point. Click. Drag. Drop.

Music for the Millenium.

No More Sorries

I have been a hurricane- a disaster, powerful and misunderstood.
But I have aged well.
I am still beautiful and intact.
I am still strong.
I still dance and sing and love.
I have come back through hell with the understanding that isolation and guilt are not the tools to forgiveness.

Being aware, alive, and available are the keys to all that ails.

That and sucking it up...

An Enviable Life

I've been looking at pictures of my friends, thinking about the creativity of my family, and feeling attacked by the Green Goddess- Envy.

Then I thought: What if they envy me? The woman who GETS to be a brooding artist, with time and craziness as asset and muse...

And then I thought: How did they create their Beautiful Lives? They probably made some sort of decision along the way to live the way that they found beautiful and comforting, and to live true to themselves.

And now I'm thinking: What kind of life do I want to live? What turns me on and makes me sparkle with Joy and Content?

I know that I am so close. Just a hop, skip, and jump away to my Enviable Life. To MY inspirational storybook ending...

And the block is gone. The gloves are off. And freedom to live the life I choose is once again on the front burner.

Maybe

I just need to watch TV. Bones is on tonight...Goofy.

Sometimes

I honestly don't know what's wrong with me.

I'll be going along, the work rolls. Then I hit the wall.

Any little thing sets me reeling into a strange and scary mindset.

This week iit was my Doctor saying I was too happy. I was happy. I was functioning. Creating...
Then I took the pill she told me to take and it stopped all thoughts and abilities. I thought I had my Mojo back a coupla days ago, but then I slipped again. Everywhere is Dark and tired and numb.

The only sort of relief I have is knowing that it will pass. It always does. But my bones and muscles ache with a sort of chaotic static. Stagnant stasis... ugh. Really. My head is killing me and the pain is frighteningly real, even though I know that it's a product of dis-ease. Not fair. Advil doesn't even put a dent in it. My anti-depressent is on strike.

I want to go to school. I want to go to work. I want my art back.
The days without the scaffolding scare me and make my intestines bubble.
I want to be healthy.

But I'm just so damn tired...

I miss my family. My friends. My over-joy.
But I'm in bed. Dead head.