Paper. Metal. Cloth. Clay. Sound. the devil and danial johnston. I feel less frustrated, more Sting today...

I Swear...

Some days are just made to take a break from.

I ruined 7 pots.

I messed up my webpage for at least 24 hours, up to 72.

I spent over 150$ trying to fill the gaping hole of greedy bubbling in me.

I can't seem to catch a Break today. I am off center. My game is crap.

I hate days like this.

I even screwed up my blog template.

This is Not Happiness on my face.

CuteStuff

I am a Big Fan of cutestuff. Don't get me wrong... But me and Etsy, hmf, not a good match. I don't make cute stuff. I make weird stuff that looks odd and sometimes needs a magnifying glass to be truly appreciated.

I love all those frolick-y girl-y things they sell on Etsy. I love the beautifully plained light and fluff webstores, too. With ribbon-y flower-y borders, and misty watercolor-y pastels and perfect seams of craft-y goodness...

+ sometimes I try to make those things... But they come out twisted in some way-
dolls with amputated limbs...coiled bones and danky darkness...

Hell, even my blog is black!

That's OK, though... I'm working on my website and the wonders of connectivity.
I'm sure everything will be alright if I just stay honest and true to my own inner muses, instead of sugarcoating them for the CuteStuff revolution...

My Mother

I'll start by saying that I have a fierce and deep love and apreciation for my Mom. She is talented beyond belief and tries so hard to protect everyone in the family.

That said:

35 YEARS of being told you have bad genes is no way to talk to your child! THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH MY GENES!!!!!

There is nothing wrong with being crazy! It's how we care for our mentally ill or differently thinking that's the problem! Don't blame the crazy person. Don't blame the genes.

There are so many good things we have received from both sides of our familial coin that blame and shame and putdowns are not healthy or helpful.

When I was a child I was bombarded by the "Genetic Putdown". "Good thing you have us to raise you, because your father's side of the family is disgusting." or "Poor girl. You'll never amount to much because you have a double dose of bad genes."

JEBUS!!! Just a couple weeks ago I was telling my daughter Henri that she got a double dose of crazy and it took me this long to find out where THAT came from...MOM! Fortunately I followed up with some good things about her dad, myself, and the burdens and joys of being a genius...

Yes. there is a genetic tie in to bipolar and other problems, like anxiety, or social phobia- But with those problems comes a lot of good things too. Expanded creativity, understanding and empathy, sensitivity, fabulous and NOT BORING quirkiness.

"If G-d had meant for all of us to be the same, He would've put braces on all our legs..." -Mama in Forest Gump

I have Five Beautiful daughters- every single one of them is talented and quirky and so smart I could just break my face with the smile of Pride. It's true that I have been unable to raise them on my own- I feel a lot of shame and grief, EVERYDAY, for that. I thought I was doing the right thing by giving them up, staying as far away as I could so as not to poison them with my badness. I was wrong. So wrong. I think what they really need is a lot less worried eyes and A LOT MORE acceptance of their wonderful-ness...

The sadness can be quite scary and daunting, the fear can be isolating as well, the over-joy can frighten or manipulative. It is a difficult task sorting through the emotions of a chemical imbalance- BUT THEIR IS NO SHAME IN HAVING ONE!!! The only shame there should be is on the people closest to us who tell us we aren't worthy of happiness or real love or consideration.

MOM!!!! My genes are just fine!!!

So are Yours.

This is What I Love...

Time to Organize.

All these tiny scraps of paper piled almost knee-high in various rooms of my apartment are making me feel like I might look crazier than I actually am... Or maybe they just reflect the crazy-beautiful creative workings of my mind. Ugh. Anyway, it's time to get it organized. I can barely walk through my studio!

I'm making memory boxes to put my monoprints in. They take up a lot of space when drying...first coat of latex is completely dry and has a black matte finish. Now I need to sort through all the gobbledygook ephemera that will build the layers of magical surface treatment.

Hundreds of photos and transfers to sort through...

File folders filled with lable-art and post cards...

Wow.

There's a lot going on in my head.